Chapter 2: Depression

In March 2003, I confessed to my Bible study group that I had a problem with overspending. My credit card was maxed out and I could not control my impulses to buy things that I did not need. They prayed for me and asked G_d to set me free from this addiction.

But their prayers seemed to have no effect on me. After the Bible study, I drove to Key West shopping centre, intending to buy something else. On the way there, I witnessed a reckless driver who ran a red light and almost caused an accident. I was furious and yelled at him (even though he could not hear me) and then I broke down in tears.

As I continued driving, I heard a voice in my heart telling me to turn right and take the R28 road. Then it told me to turn left at the Plant Park. I said, "G_d, where are you taking me?" The voice said, "Go to Medi-Cross." I said, "But I am not sick, G_d. What am I going to do there?" There was no answer.

I obeyed the voice and drove to Medi-Cross. As I got closer, I said, "Okay G_d, if this is really you, please let me see Dr Cornelius. She is the only doctor that I know there and I have been to her before with my son. Let me get there and find her in and let me see her right away without having to wait or make an appointment."

I walked into the centre and looked at the name board on the wall. It said that Dr Cornelius was out. I felt disappointed and confused.

The receptionist asked me who I wanted to see, and I told her that I was hoping to see Dr Cornelius but it seemed that she was out. She said, "Let me just check. No, she is in and she can see you right now."

I was surprised and relieved. The receptionist asked me to take a seat and wait for Dr Cornelius to call me. I sat down and wondered what was going on. I said, "G_d, what am I going to tell her?" There was no answer.

Dr Cornelius came out of her office and greeted me with a smile. She had beautiful eyes full of compassion. She invited me into her office and asked me how she could help me.

I started by telling her a few things about myself and then I burst into tears. I told her how tired I was of feeling tired. How I had no joy, no hope, no ambition. How all I wanted to do lately was sleep. How I was always in a bad mood at home, shouting at the kids and fighting with my husband.

I told her how I struggled to sleep and how my mind was always filled with negative thoughts. How I always ended up thinking about killing myself. How I felt like something was wrong with my brain. How I was angry all the time.

I told her that I was a Christian and that I had been praying for a change, but it just seemed to get worse.

Dr Cornelius listened patiently and sympathetically. She said, "I am also a Christian, but today I am not going to pray for you. Today I am going to prescribe you some medication that will help you feel better. You should start taking it tomorrow and you will notice a difference soon."

She gave me a prescription for some antidepressants and explained how they worked and what side effects they might have. She also advised me to see a therapist or a counsellor who could help me deal with the underlying issues that were causing my depression.

The medication did wonders for me! For the first time in a long time, I felt happy and hopeful again. I praised G_d for leading me to Dr Cornelius!

But the medication was not a permanent solution. Around September 2004, I noticed that it was losing its effect on me. During August, I had this nagging feeling in my heart that it was time to stop taking it. But instead of consulting Dr Cornelius or following her instructions on how to wean myself off the medication gradually, I just stopped cold turkey.

That was a big mistake! For three days, I was a mess! It was worse than before. It felt like I was being tormented by evil forces!

On September 8th, 2004, I had a terrible incident that showed me how bad my condition had become. I was driving a bit faster than the speed limit, but nothing too serious. However, I got pulled over by a traffic officer who wanted to give me a fine. I was enraged. I lost control of myself. I almost attacked him. I took the fine, crumpled it up and threw it on the ground at his feet. The lady officer who was with him came towards me, but she did not say anything. They both stayed calm and quiet. They could have arrested me for my behaviour. I believe G_d restrained them and kept them from escalating the situation.

I realised that the medication was not working for me anymore and that it was making me worse. I prayed that G_d would help me to get off the medication. I knew that if I went back to Dr Cornelius, she would probably want to increase the dosage or change the prescription, and that would only lead to more dependency and side effects.

I prayed and asked G_d to heal me completely and to help me get off the medication.

On September 9th, 2004, I stopped taking the medication. The first two weeks were a bit shaky but not as bad as I expected. With a lot of prayer and support from my friends, G_d carried me through.

On October 22nd, 2004, it was my 40th day without the medication!

Of course, the enemy did not leave me alone. Every time I had a bad day, he would whisper in my ear, "You are not healed, you are going back there."

On November 16th, 2004, my husband and I had a heated argument and he said to me, "You are not healed!" I said, "Even though you are telling me that I am not healed, I am telling you now that G_d has healed me completely. I do not have depression anymore because G_d healed me. It is finished. It is gone!"

And at that moment, when I declared it out loud in my home, it was done!

Suddenly, everything changed for me. The fuzziness in my head disappeared, my vision cleared up - I no longer had blurry vision and the colours of everything were so vivid and bright! I did not even realise that this was the case before. I had been depressed for so long that I did not know that my vision was impaired and that I was seeing faded colours. The most amazing thing was that I no longer had constant negative thoughts in my mind. I felt free!

I realised then that no medication can ever cure you from depression. It can help with the mood and suppress some emotions, but it cannot heal you. Only G_d can do that, through the mighty name of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit!

Depression is a form of bondage - either an indwelling or an oppression from the enemy that covers you like a dark blanket. It is a subtle and effective way of hurting G_d's people and even killing them. Thousands of people die every year from suicide because of depression. The enemy finds an opening in your life at some point and then he takes advantage of it and starts to whisper lies to you that drag you down into a pit of despair and hopelessness. You lose control of your mind and your life.

It is a clever strategy from the enemy because he basically sets the wheel in motion and then sits back and watches you self-destruct in your mind. Where the mind goes, the body follows.

But G_d is saying to us to get out from under that dark blanket, to take Jesus' hand with our whole heart and being to trust in Him and live! Jesus died so that we can have life. Jesus overcame the darkness so that we can walk in the light. Jesus died for our healing. The power of Jesus' blood and his mighty name is what sets us free.

I went back to see Dr Cornelius again to share my testimony with her. She was very happy for me and gave praise to G_d. She thanked me for coming back and gave me a big hug.